What started out as a normal pregnancy massage revealed a great dis-service to women.

A first time mother, new to the area, going to a local hospital to have her baby.  She’s living a great distance from her family, so her support network is limited.  During her pre-natal classes, she became even more distressed.  She has just been told she will be discharged from the hospital 3 hours after she gives birth – 5 at the most.  She tells me she’s concerned about the car ride home and not really knowing what to do.  She is also concerned she will be alone with only her husband to help her in the early days.  What’s interesting about this story, is she’s not the first to tell me this. It’s also interesting she’s not scared of labour or the pain.  She’s worried about where she’s having the baby.

When a post natal mother told me of her birth and post birth experience, I was saddened.  She’d had a prolonged labour, her baby was in posterior position, she’d been induced and eventually, due to exhaustion and extreme pain, her baby was born by cesarean section.  48 hours later, after much confusion, she was discharged.  She was struggling with breastfeeding, her incision wound was becoming infected and was feeling miserable.  3 days after being discharged, she gave up breastfeeding.   As she had moved to the area not long before her baby was born, she came home to little family support and no social connections.

My story you’ve heard, but it’s not unlike these two.  I spent my entire pregnancy freaking out.  Labour was the least of my worries.  I live away from my family, having moved to the city from the country.  I didn’t really know my neighbours.  My in-laws and friends all worked.  In those early days, I had no idea what I was doing, nor who I could turn to for help.  I was very lucky in some ways.  When my daughter was 6 weeks old, I fell to pieces.  My parents were 4 hours away.  My husband was at work and without a car.  My parents in-law were at work and my brother in law didn’t have a car or license.  The earliest any of these people could have got to me was an hour.  All my friends were at work except one.  She had recently resigned her job in preparation to return to study, and was house sitting around the corner from me.  She took my call and was able to help me.  She came to my aid without judgement or expectations.  She held my daughter while I ate some lunch.  She talked to me about stuff.  She brought me back from the brink.  To this day, I believe she saved both my daughters and my life.  I was lucky.

Why am I telling you these stories?  Because I believe pregnant women and new mums are being treated badly.  Not just by the hospitals but in general.  Women are returning home (and rapidly) with new babies, without support.  More and more, I finding my clients telling me similar stories of having little or no support in the early weeks post birth.  They are scared and don’t have social and family reassurance that previous generations had.  Many are the first amongst their friends and family to have children and don’t have experience with babies or what to expect when pregnant.    Sometimes all they need is someone to explain what’s happened or happening.  A chat with the local breastfeeding association informed me the area I work and live in has the lowest breastfeeding rates in Melbourne.  I always thought is was because of cultural and family influences or lack of support once they get home.  Perhaps not.  Maybe it’s because the new mums and bubs aren’t getting the help they need in the beginning.  Maybe the incidence of post natal depression would be lower if there were support programs in place. 

I’m looking for answers and suggestions.  Please leave a comment as to where you found help and support.  Maybe we can help someone without even knowing them.

So for the sake of my sanity, Little miss was breastfed to sleep initially and eventually just cuddled.  She still gets a cuddle to sleep.  I’ve also had the guilt’s about this until something was mentioned by a friend.  She was telling me about her niece and how because of her strong personality and curiosity, won’t sleep.  She doesn’t want to miss out on anything.  This description was almost a perfect match to Little Miss.  Even the health nurses said when Little Miss was tiny, that she was an aware baby.

So with my story said, I’ll say this.  Do what feels right for you and gets what you need.

Now on with other news.  I had a day of time out.  Another essential service for mums that is lacking.  Real exciting stuff.  I got my hair cut, purchased red shoes and had a photo shoot complete with hair and make up.  I’ve also got a massage instead of just giving them and I was way overdue for it.

So in the interest of sanity and time out, I’m going to tell you about an event in may.  It’s the Mum’s Night Out brought to you by real mums.  See the website www.mumsnightout.com.au to find out more about it and book your tickets.  I’m going and I can’t wait. 

See you there.

Em.

It’s “Australia Unbuttoned” by Kerry Cue.  It sub title is “Australia’s culture exposed”.

Why does it make me cry I hear you ask.  Well, the first time I read the book was just after my grandfather passed away.  The book looks at different rituals and traditions in Australia including death and funerals.  That’s the first reason it makes me cry.  The second is the chapter on new life and birth.  There are some examples of baby blessings that are beautiful and it reminded me of just how disappointed I was at Little Miss’s baptism.  So as a starting point for my investigation into traditions surrounding birth, this was a good start.

There’s also a very interesting insight into other celebrations and rituals.  Including the habit of not RSVPing.

Worth the read.

Em.

ASK FOR HELP.  This won’t kill you.  You’re not a failure or a bad mum for asking.  In fact just the opposite and you’ll be amazed at what people will do for you.

Places to start are GP and Maternal and Child Health Centre.  These can both provide you with referrals to specialists.  In my case I was referred to the pnd counselling program with baptcare and later down the track medication.

Next, start telling your family.  Seems dumb but you will need their help.  If this isn’t an option, start recruiting people you do trust.

Form a network of help.  Your family is a good place to start but neighbours and friends can also be a part.

Check if your local council offers programs and services.  Some have pram walking groups and play groups.  If this is your thing.

Eat well.  Small thing, big impact.  Try to eat a variety of healthy foods and regularly.  At least three normal meals.

GET OUT OF THE HOUSE!!!  Can’t stress this enough.  Put bubs in the pram and start exploring the neighbourhood.  Walk to the shops and have a cuppa.  Weather bad?  Head to a large shopping centre and do laps.  The combination of civilisation and exercise lifts your mood.

Talk to your partner about how you feel and how they can help.

Another controversial option is using childcare.  In my case using this was the reason I didn’t end up in a mental institution or jail.  We initially used family day care three afternoons a week which was enough for me to have a break, lunch, a shower and maybe a snooze.  After a while this was built up to all day when I returned to part time work.

Inevitably, there are people out there who will try to make you feel bad about the choices you have made.  Here’s the answer.  Tell them they’re not the mum here and you’ll do what suit you and your bub.  If they get narky, don’t let it get to you.  That’s their problem.

Lastly, find a reason to go out for dinner or lunch or whatever regularly without bubs (and possibly with out partner) so you can reconnect with your old self.

These things are what I do mostly to get through the gray times and I’m by no means an expert.  I’d gladly take any suggestions too.

Good luck.

In other news, Christmas tree has been put up and decorated at last.  Little Miss had a ball with the decorations.

Em.

Today I’ve decided to tell the story of how I came to have PND. 

For those out there who don’t know what PND is it stands for Post (or now Peri) Natal Depression.  It’s a form of depression association with pregnancy and new motherhood.  My doctor described it as an imbalance of hormones, my osteo said it was caused by a combination of sacral (tailbone) misalignment and stress to the spine during active labour.  Other mums say its from extreme sleep deprivation.  I’m sure there are other explanations for the condition and as I’m no expert I can only tell you what I experienced.

I can tell you exactly when my depression started.  It was the 23rd of January 2007 at about 3:30pm.  Precisely the same moment my then doctor (I have since changed and you will soon see why) declared me pregnant.  This was followed by me swearing.  The doctor then asked if it wasn’t my husbands (it better be!!!) and that we hadn’t planned the pregnancy.  Ah well NO!!!  She then raced into why I had to have an ultrasound immediately as I could be anywhere up to 5 months along and we needed to decide if the pregnancy was going to proceed.  Also because I’d had bleeding, this wasn’t a good sign.  WHAT?!

Still reeling from the revelation of being pregnant, the doctor then asks if I’ve been taking pregnancy vitamin supplements.  No I hadn’t.  Apparently I should have been on them for at least a month prior.  She asked if I had had any alcohol or soft cheeses or deli products.  I had and was then told how that could have caused issues with the baby too.

So there I was sitting alone in the doctors office having gone because I was tired all the time and not feeling quite right thinking I probably had glandular fever only to find out I was pregnant and having a guilt trip dumped on me.

In a state of shock, I sat in my car in the car park trying to call hubby.  He wouldn’t answer the phone, kept going to voicemail.  Left a message along the lines of why doesn’t he answer the phone when I really need him.

Start to drive home in tears.

Get home to wait for my parents to arrive from the airport.  Hubby rings.  Wail down the phone that I was pregnant.  He then had to find someone to drive him home.  Was told to keep parents from leaving before he got home.

About an hour after all this my parents arrive to find me sitting on the couch howling.  Tell them I was pregnant.  Mum starts crying, Dad sits down.  The rest of the day is a bit of a blur but the folks stay the night instead of heading straight home.

The next morning, I somehow manage to get in to have my first of many ultrasounds.  Hubby couldn’t attend as he had walked out of work without telling anyone what was going on.  My mum came with me and held my hand.  On the screen was a 10 week old foetus.  10 weeks old.  Um, how did I miss that?  My mum was saying things like, how lucky I am that I didn’t have to worry for the first trimester and how lucky I was not to have any morning sickness, but I wasn’t listening.  I had a printout of my scan and I was freaking out.

I also need to tell you about my family history.  When a pregnancy is discovered, the whole family holds their breaths.  Our track record isn’t great.  So not only did I have the guilt trip from the doc, but I also had a family waiting to see if the pregnancy and I survived.

To cut a long story short.  I spent most of my pregnancy crying and feeling really bad.  But I didn’t tell anyone just how bad I was feeling.

After Little Miss’s difficult birth, I was being watched very carefully by the ward nurses and when I started to see the health centre nurses, I was being monitored closely.  I didn’t really realise this until later.  It wasn’t until I was going to mums group every week and crying that the health nurses sat me down and said it was time I started counselling.  I didn’t think they had noticed just how bad I was.  I was wrong. 

After 18 months of counselling and eventually agreeing to meds, I’m much better.  Still have bad days but not as bad or as long lasting as before.

So the question of whether I would have had pnd if the pregnancy was planned?  Dunno.  Probably but it might have started later.

Thanks for reading this.  Next time I’ll pop some of the recommended ways to start feeling better that I’ve used.

Em.